May you never get what you wish for...only what you need

Your post is awesome, so energizing to get back to blogging.  I like the idea of going after our failed romances, the true lonely hearts club.  One of my doctors told me once that in order to move forward, often we have to go back and be swallowed by the dragon (you know that Japanese story right?).  Much to be learned by remembering where we came from, for good or bad.

Today I received a gorgeous ring from my grandfather, given to my grandmother on their 60th wedding anniversary, which my grandmother never wore, as my grandpa put it "because she didn't want to remember she had been married that long to me."  Such sadness and so many lives affected by their choices.  My grandma had great dignity in living up to her word and I loathe to really second guess anyone else's decisions, I wasn't there and I'm me, not him or her as the case may be.  I don't know if I could have stayed with my grandfather and his shenanighans (we really should go back there for brunch, crab and champagne ;-0) but I respect my grandmother for knowing the choices she made and living by them.  The ring is so beautiful, I wish it had been loved by my grandmother, or even given to her in love.  I hope that I will be able to imbue it with a more beautiful hue, either as my own wedding ring or because it will reflect a life well lived and loved by me.  I'm not the firstborn grandchild or even the first girl grandchild for these grandparents and yet I received the jewelry that was worth the most.  My grandfather said I was special to my grandmother, a bit hard to comprehend given that my grandmother didn't show her emotions at all, but I will suspect that my grandmother had no reason to tell my grandfather such things if they weren't true.  I can say I am probably their only girl grandchild who they didn't wonder about life choices or judgment, like my mother who they never had to worry about.  I have made mistakes in life of course but my choices overall would leave no parent or grandparent concerned.  Guess that's something.  

We laughed at each other in text today, my lamenting how I have a home that's nearly paid off, now a ring that has never been worn and is worth many thousands and 6 cats, all I really need is to buy a wedding dress and I'll be all set up!  But no love interests or prospects.  And I choose my cats.  One point of clarification, only because I joke constantly about it.  I take care of 6 cats, only 2 of them are mine.  I guess I have great love for the oldest cat but she is actually my brother's.  Point being, only two of them would I take with me anywhere I might live.  It's much funnier of course for me to have 6 cats, honestly I would never choose that, given the choice.  The reality is that two of these cats are already on the slippery end of life's slope, one is deaf, the other mostly blind.  The other two cats are my parents cats but obviously I am to take care of them while I am here.  Not entirely sure why that is obvious other than I already have all the others and I know how to read cats now (can I say I'm fluent in cat? hehehehe).  It's terribly funny for me to be the crazy cat lady and I relish that moniker.  My bonehead ex suggested putting the old cats down, when he still envisioned a future with me in Connecticut and that isn't something I would do, I know you were equally appalled at the suggestion which he didn't say in jest.  If necessary, I might pay someone here to keep the older cats if they couldn't move with me but I really think that either old age will overtake or I will be left to make the decision to end their life in the near future.  The kittens are mine and will stay with me but they are no trouble whatsoever.  So I will continue to be the crazy cat lady with 6 cats, but I hope it never comes across as anything other than a supremely funny jest.  I expect you, c4b, to keep me from being the person who invades other people's personal space, poking their arm while simultaneously decrying the economic bailouts, or the person who reads LOTR and talks to random people about it while drinking coffee.  And if I'm in an ambulance on the way to the hospital and you are following behind in your car, please don't leave me in the emergency room to go home to fix your garbage disposal.  True story, my grandfather did that to my grandmother last week...so think about that if you ever start to feel really bad about not being with someone and think it's better to be with someone than no one.  Sometimes the grass on the other side is crab grass... 

Oh oh life goes on, long after the thrill of livin is gone....and then we blog. ;)

Okay, I just sat down and started writing. What came out was the story of my first boyfriend. Maybe it helped to take myself so far back. If it’s not terribly boring, maybe I’ll create boyfriend installments… ;) If you’re up for it, feel free to add your own installments… we could create quite a lonely hearts club, couldn’t we?

Just one more bullshit night in suck city.

We thought that our lives would be so different in three months. Well, yeah, we were right. What I didn’t picture was sitting alone in a dingy studio apartment in Baltimore with only my dog to cuddle me. I actually googled directions to his house from each of the apartments I looked at. Little did I know I would never make that drive. I can’t decide if it’s losing him, or just the rejection itself that’s sticking around like a bad smell. Maybe the biggest fright is having nothing to fall back on, a foreign place for me, as you know. My sister told me to start internet dating. My sister, who fell to pieces when, at 29, her boyfriend of five years broke it off and through halting sobs, cried to me on the phone about how she didn’t want to have to start internet dating.

My first boyfriend’s name was…well for the World Wide Web’s sake, we’ll call him Tall, same number of letters. He’s the one that looks kind of like your brother. He was tall… lanky, blonde, almost a permanent image of adolescent. He was a year younger than me in high school. I’m not sure why I liked him, but given that my secret crush was occupied with another (yep, he may appear again in this saga), Tall was my most viable option. My senior year I was a teacher’s assistant, along with a collection of other mock trial nerds, in the Criminal Law class. Tall was in the class, and I used to work with him on pretend opening statements, trying my best with my rudimentary flirting skills with utter failure, or so I thought.

One time, we were at a mutual friends house, playing a game that involved sitting, Indian style (can you still say that?), in a circle, holding hands in the dark. Of course I found myself next to Tall. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feeling of holding his hand in the dark. I don’t think he really knew who I was then, but I’m pretty sure I still went home smiling. I was about to say “Oh to be 17…” but who am I kidding, I had the same feeling only a few short months ago holding someone’s hand for the first time on cobblestone streets.

This next part, while embarrassing to recollect, is crucial to the story of how I lured Tall into the position of first boyfriend. It was the summer after graduation. And up until then, I had never tasted the sweet poison of intoxication, and I was impatient to do so. We all gathered one night at Tall’s mom’s house, which had just been vacated, but not yet sold: an empty house, a dozen 17 year olds, and a bottle of vodka. Literally. The house was empty, no furniture, no TV, no cups, no chaser; a bottle of vodka and a toilet – what more does one need. Being naïve to the powerful effects of alcohol, and being determined to “get drunk”, I took generous gulps when the bottle made its rounds. To be honest, I only have two memories until waking up in the hospital. One is crying in a pitch black locked bedroom with the bottle of vodka – my friends later told me I locked myself in there because they were attempting to take the bottle away from me. And my second memory is my body trying to void itself of the not-so-sweet poison and hearing a boy say: “ugh, get her hair out of the toilet.” I could fill in those memories with the rest of the story that was recounted to me, but I think that really says it all.

After that incident, I was somehow all the more determined to capture Tall, despite leaving for Los Angeles to go to college in only a month. My two best friends at the time… Phoenix and Seth, who had recently linked up and lost their virginity to each other, encouraged me to be aggressive. I was willing to do anything, mainly because I was rather jealous that Phoenix had hooked up with Seth and lost her virginity before me. They told me that Tall and I had been through traumatic experience together (that being the police busting in on our underage drinking) and so we had a bond, and that meant it wouldn’t be weird if I called him out of nowhere to hang out. I was desperate – I did. When no one answered at his parent’s house, I left a message. When he didn’t call back, I was desperate enough to try again, get his dad on the phone who grumpily told me that Tall and his mom had moved out and he didn’t have their number. At this point I was desperate enough to go, with Phoenix and Seth, to a Jack in the Box that I knew was near his mom’s house and call another friend to ask where he lived telling her I was at that Jack in the Box, and thought I’d stop by to say hello. How I thought that sounded normal… When she hesitantly told me, I was desperate enough to go to his mom’s house and knock on the door. When he wasn’t there, I was desper-- you get the idea. Result: I invited him to a “party” at Seth’s house that was comprised of me, Phoenix and Seth. When he arrived, Seth took him aside and told him I really just invited him over to spend the night and make out. Being 17 is a world of its own. We made out. He was the second guy I kissed. Oh, guess I should have started with the first guy I kissed. Oh well, my stories may not go chronologically. I’ll resurrect that one later, it’s a good one. So, Tall spent the night and I told him I liked him and we probably had a “you’re leaving for college in a month” conversation but we were 17 and didn’t care.

He was my boyfriend for the next month. We did things like going to the zoo. I gave a blow job for the first time. He actually taught me how to do it…in his car…in my parent’s driveway. One time, we parked in an elementary school parking lot at about ten at night, so we could make out. A security guard pulled up next to us and stared in the car until we left.

We had one real fight. It was almost fun – it was pretend back then, at least for me.

When I left for school, we made no promises but said we’d keep in touch. We occasionally talked on the phone until October when he broke up with me. I was so relieved; I was in college and beginning an exciting new chapter of my life with amazing experiences ahead. I walked away from that one without a scratch.

I recently found out, through Facebook naturally, that he married the friend that told me where his house was. My reaction… “huh.”

Tall on the Love Meter: 40%

E-Champagne

Your delightful friend Ali Baba sent me e-champagne when news of my grandma's death reached him via fb.  E-champagne, I've totally been trying to figure out how we can incorporate that into our blog.  Hmmm....thoughts....not....coming....but I love it. 

I need a job, wayyyy too much time on my hands.  I even know my cat's litter box habits now...ok either a job or a boyfriend.  Maybe both but either will do. 

Could I be any lazier?

That's actually a real question...as you know c4b, creating areas to be lazy in is actually a lot of work and I'm much too lazy to do that. 

So I saw my hairdresser yesterday, I've known this guy for 17 years I think, we were trying to decide exactly when he and I met.  He's super adorable, should have gotten his pic, and he tells the best stories.  Remember the one I told you about him when he busted his ankle at his gay softball league and when the firemen arrived, all his friends ditched him to ogle the firemen?  Oh, that made me laugh.  Anyways, he is the guy that cut off my long hair nearly two years ago.  My hair is now couple inches past my shoulders and I'm trying to grow it out.  I told him I didn't wash it more than twice a week and he said that the oils and lack of heat styling was really good for my hair and my hair was doing great.  As if I needed  more reason to not take showers!  He did remind me that just because I don't wash my hair every day doesn't mean that I shouldn't take a shower....

There is apparently a month's worth of giveaways at http://www.aprilshowersblogdesign.com/.  Have to see if anything good comes out of it!  Check it out champagne4breakfast....

Kitten War!

Good fun

Not to get all political on your ass...

I read this article today about the health care "debate" that went on in the Senate over the House's bill.  Apparently a strategy that can be used when one side doesn't agree with the bill is to propose a bunch of amendments that are either absurd or right on point, "poison pills," thus forcing NO votes on amendments the senator would otherwise support.  This has the benefit of prolonging the discussion on the bill and making the other side look stupid.  Anyways, one sentence made me giggle.  And since this blog is all things kitten...and champagne....

"Republicans did show some restraint, however, by declining to offer an amendment banning kitten executions." Read here.

To our reader

Although it seems that we have forgotten you, oh that is so not the case.  With champagne4breakfast making a serious move, to a city that she knows no one, to a new job, new apartment, and lovelylifetoo losing one of her precious kittens, there just hasn't been enough time to drink champagne or blog. 

Poor Roi was hit and killed by a car.  Someone kindly moved her body to the side of the road and she was given an appropriate burial on Paw Hill in our backyard where our family animals have been interred.  Her death has been particularly jarring as Roi was the most fun loving kitten I've ever known.  I often woke with her curled into my arm and she always came to find me when it was time to sleep, day or night.  Due to the exploits of her brother Charley I was prepared for him to find himself taken from this earth too soon, but Roi, I had no thought she wouldn't live a long and awesome life with me.  I had thoughts of moving back to the east coast and the car ride with Charley and Roi and it breaks my heart that I won't have her any longer.  Roi's death makes 3 cats that have left my life in the last 9 months. 

Charley was upset and despondent without his playmate.  Charley was definitely the dominant one in that relationship, Roi was always trailing him as he led her around and they spent lots of time playing in the backyard or in the front room, pretty much anywhere they were.  Charley needed her audience and he isn't happy without her. 

I can't imagine there is a replacement for Roi but I felt it would be easier for Charley at 7 months old to accept a new "sister" and with the upcoming summer weather, I didn't want Charley to be all alone.  So I adopted another black cat, 9 months old, and she promptly decided she hated me.  I've spent the last few days with her hissing, scratching, biting.  She doesn't like any of the cats and is perturbed that Charley wants to check her out.  To Charley's credit, he seems quite happy to know this new kitty and I think that once detente is accomplished and new kitty is able to play in the backyard, they will be happy.  I can't wait for the day that they will lick each other, as Roi and Charley use to do.  All seemed right in my little world when those little ones were at peace.

It hasn't been completely decided yet if new kitty wants to stay with us but I think we'll give it a go for now.  Her name will be Roily, sounds like Riley with Roi thrown in.  I wanted to honor that little life that isn't anymore but not try and replace her. 

A new black cat has been added to this blog, to remember my girl.  Seems crazy that a cat I've known for 6 months could be so special but she is.  It was a week ago right about now when her life ended.  I hope it was quick and painless.  I wish I had gone looking for her when she wasn't waiting at the door.  She loved being outside so I have no regrets that her curiosity literally killed her, just wish it hadn't been so soon.

God, I could use a bottle of champagne.

Another Bullshit Night in Suck City

Seriously, love that title.  Can't wait for the book, hope it's as good as the title implies.

We have been away from the blogging, guess it's symptomatic of our lives kinda imploding, basically at the same time, which is always way worse than everyone taking a turn.  Broken hearts are among the only thing that I think basically all humans, good, bad, ugly, sick, ridiculous, can understand.  All been there, done that.  And if you haven't yet for some reason, it will be a horrible experience.  As you and I have discovered, apparently all songs and many many many movies are based on the experience of love and it is a reminder.  Even a show I loved watching has gone off my radar as the host's daughter has the name of the new girlfriend.  Just don't need more reminders.

So didn't eat for three weeks.  Ate a hamburger and fries today, sounded good, stomach does not agree.  Now the smell of food makes me want to pray to the porcelain god.  Good part....lost about 7 additional pounds...starting to wonder if I can continue with this not eating for awhile.  My body could definitely eat off itself for a long time.  And I'd save money on food.

I've never actually played the Bullshit game but I saw it in that movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.  Liked the concept of trying to figure out if you're been fed a line or not and how would we know.  After my too many days of not eating, mindlessly staring at the wall or sleeping in and out, basically depression, I want to scream bullshit to my boneheaded ex.  There are many things he could have said to me and I would have bought the excuses.  But does not love me enough, wow didn't see that one coming.  Many years of friendship and now our weird situation he put us in.  The emails every 9 months, the nostaglia, the discussions with friends who he never wants to confront.  And in the end he thinks he doesn't love me enough?  I think he will regret that someday.  I am genuinely happy if he has found the right person for him and he wants to commit to her, that would be a great way for me to know that all is done and that he made his choice.  As we said whilst in NYC, be careful when you beg the universe for answers without specifying which way you want those answers to go.  You might get answers and hate it.  Didn't want to stay with me because of my illness, or that I may not be able to have children, or don't want to live on the west coast, or don't find me attractive (actually may not have believed that one either), believable.  Don't buy the answer you gave.  I get that you (now I'm speaking to the bonehead and not you my friend) were uncomfortable, likely you realized again that we were close and you really didn't want anyone that close.  It wasn't controllable.  Yeah, that all sounds like you.  And if you find love elsewhere, please take it and love it.  But you won't find yourself happy until you can be a bit vulnerable, even for a moment, and stay with that moment.  Not with me, not with anyone.  I'm already gone buddy, hope you work this out on your own.  Bullshit.

Back to my fellow blogger, all of this horrible heart pain and solemn weather and brokebankness has led to some ideas.  Never returned east because of bonehead but seems that is where I have work I love and a few friends who rallied to me when I got my bad news a couple of weeks ago.  One of my friends has a small house on property and if it becomes available that would be a lovely spot.  Plus kitties invited.  So I think I'll make my short long-term goal to return east.  I still want to move into my house here, probably need to in order to refinance it out of the 7 year ARM option loan coming due in a couple of years, and if the employment prospects in this area don't improve, might still not have a job this time next year.  Or a job that fits my training and experience.  If I knew I wasn't staying in the long term, all things remaining equal to now, I could probably waitress or find something so that I wouldn't go into massive debt and make my plans to go back.  I always loved being there, my worst and best experiences were there, and returning back to the west coast was because of illness.  Oh and meeting you was good fun and has worked out nicely.  But maybe possibly at least until something else pulls my attention, I should be there.  Particularly if my life with my family crumbles due to choices.  I know it would be easier for them to not have me literally minutes away but not in their lives.  It makes me happy to think about going back to the east, freeing when I don't have to consider bonehead in any of it.  I guess I've always wanted to end up on the west coast but possibly my aspirations were cut short too soon by illness and I need to finish.  I don't love the cold and snow but don't hate it.  Would rather be in LA but without a real purpose to be there, as we talked about recently, seems strange to go where I don't know anyone, even if the weather is awesome.  Plus it's the gluminess and lack of sun, even if it's cold, that is hard on me.  Life can change quickly but I guess having plans even if they go nowhere, better than not.

Might be putting down one of the old cats soon.  He's crying all of the time and maybe he's just a whiner but it's getting sad to listen to.  I just bought him a bunch of medicine and I guess I'll see if the nicer weather makes him happier.  Even still it's getting expensive to have him checked regularly and being close to 20, maybe it's better for him to have a nice summer and then drift off to the permanent nap.  My old girl is going strong, can't contemplate losing her.  So hope she simply goes to sleep, that I can handle better than having to chose her end. 

Unhappy stomach coming back on me.  Sucky day in general. Did get some gifts off to people and ordered others.  That's kinda fun.  Wish I had a book arriving today or something.  I'll tackle my box of stuff I don't want to do.  If I'm miserable anyway, might as well get some stuff done that needs to be taken care of.  I want a personal assistant....