Another Bullshit Night in Suck City

Seriously, love that title.  Can't wait for the book, hope it's as good as the title implies.

We have been away from the blogging, guess it's symptomatic of our lives kinda imploding, basically at the same time, which is always way worse than everyone taking a turn.  Broken hearts are among the only thing that I think basically all humans, good, bad, ugly, sick, ridiculous, can understand.  All been there, done that.  And if you haven't yet for some reason, it will be a horrible experience.  As you and I have discovered, apparently all songs and many many many movies are based on the experience of love and it is a reminder.  Even a show I loved watching has gone off my radar as the host's daughter has the name of the new girlfriend.  Just don't need more reminders.

So didn't eat for three weeks.  Ate a hamburger and fries today, sounded good, stomach does not agree.  Now the smell of food makes me want to pray to the porcelain god.  Good part....lost about 7 additional pounds...starting to wonder if I can continue with this not eating for awhile.  My body could definitely eat off itself for a long time.  And I'd save money on food.

I've never actually played the Bullshit game but I saw it in that movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.  Liked the concept of trying to figure out if you're been fed a line or not and how would we know.  After my too many days of not eating, mindlessly staring at the wall or sleeping in and out, basically depression, I want to scream bullshit to my boneheaded ex.  There are many things he could have said to me and I would have bought the excuses.  But does not love me enough, wow didn't see that one coming.  Many years of friendship and now our weird situation he put us in.  The emails every 9 months, the nostaglia, the discussions with friends who he never wants to confront.  And in the end he thinks he doesn't love me enough?  I think he will regret that someday.  I am genuinely happy if he has found the right person for him and he wants to commit to her, that would be a great way for me to know that all is done and that he made his choice.  As we said whilst in NYC, be careful when you beg the universe for answers without specifying which way you want those answers to go.  You might get answers and hate it.  Didn't want to stay with me because of my illness, or that I may not be able to have children, or don't want to live on the west coast, or don't find me attractive (actually may not have believed that one either), believable.  Don't buy the answer you gave.  I get that you (now I'm speaking to the bonehead and not you my friend) were uncomfortable, likely you realized again that we were close and you really didn't want anyone that close.  It wasn't controllable.  Yeah, that all sounds like you.  And if you find love elsewhere, please take it and love it.  But you won't find yourself happy until you can be a bit vulnerable, even for a moment, and stay with that moment.  Not with me, not with anyone.  I'm already gone buddy, hope you work this out on your own.  Bullshit.

Back to my fellow blogger, all of this horrible heart pain and solemn weather and brokebankness has led to some ideas.  Never returned east because of bonehead but seems that is where I have work I love and a few friends who rallied to me when I got my bad news a couple of weeks ago.  One of my friends has a small house on property and if it becomes available that would be a lovely spot.  Plus kitties invited.  So I think I'll make my short long-term goal to return east.  I still want to move into my house here, probably need to in order to refinance it out of the 7 year ARM option loan coming due in a couple of years, and if the employment prospects in this area don't improve, might still not have a job this time next year.  Or a job that fits my training and experience.  If I knew I wasn't staying in the long term, all things remaining equal to now, I could probably waitress or find something so that I wouldn't go into massive debt and make my plans to go back.  I always loved being there, my worst and best experiences were there, and returning back to the west coast was because of illness.  Oh and meeting you was good fun and has worked out nicely.  But maybe possibly at least until something else pulls my attention, I should be there.  Particularly if my life with my family crumbles due to choices.  I know it would be easier for them to not have me literally minutes away but not in their lives.  It makes me happy to think about going back to the east, freeing when I don't have to consider bonehead in any of it.  I guess I've always wanted to end up on the west coast but possibly my aspirations were cut short too soon by illness and I need to finish.  I don't love the cold and snow but don't hate it.  Would rather be in LA but without a real purpose to be there, as we talked about recently, seems strange to go where I don't know anyone, even if the weather is awesome.  Plus it's the gluminess and lack of sun, even if it's cold, that is hard on me.  Life can change quickly but I guess having plans even if they go nowhere, better than not.

Might be putting down one of the old cats soon.  He's crying all of the time and maybe he's just a whiner but it's getting sad to listen to.  I just bought him a bunch of medicine and I guess I'll see if the nicer weather makes him happier.  Even still it's getting expensive to have him checked regularly and being close to 20, maybe it's better for him to have a nice summer and then drift off to the permanent nap.  My old girl is going strong, can't contemplate losing her.  So hope she simply goes to sleep, that I can handle better than having to chose her end. 

Unhappy stomach coming back on me.  Sucky day in general. Did get some gifts off to people and ordered others.  That's kinda fun.  Wish I had a book arriving today or something.  I'll tackle my box of stuff I don't want to do.  If I'm miserable anyway, might as well get some stuff done that needs to be taken care of.  I want a personal assistant....